What’s Acceptable and What’s Not in Dating
-Vietnam-
“Tôn trọng lẫn nhau,” - (MUTUAL RESPECT)
Public Displays of Affection (PDA)
Cultural Norms & Sensitivities Around PDA: Vietnam is traditionally a conservative country where modesty and respect for social norms are highly valued. Public displays of affection (PDA) are generally approached with restraint, and how locals perceive PDA can vary greatly based on location, generational views, and the level of urbanization.
Acceptable PDA in Public:
Hand-Holding & Light Touches: Holding hands is widely acceptable in urban areas, and light touches (e.g., a hand on the shoulder or arm) are seen as moderate and non-intrusive displays of affection. These actions are more common among the younger generation, who are influenced by Western cultures and global trends.
Avoiding Intimate Gestures: More intimate forms of PDA, like kissing, hugging tightly, or close embraces, are generally considered inappropriate in public, especially in rural areas, temples, and conservative settings. Such gestures may draw stares or make locals uncomfortable.
Gauging the Appropriate Level of Affection Based on Location & Situation:
Urban vs. Rural Sensibilities: In large cities like Hanoi, Ho Chi Minh City (Saigon), and Da Nang, couples may be more relaxed about PDA, particularly in youth-oriented places like cafes, parks, and shopping centers. However, rural areas hold traditional values more closely, so even hand-holding might be seen as too forward.
Formal vs. Informal Settings: At family gatherings, religious ceremonies, or in public places like markets and governmental areas, it’s best to keep any affection to a minimum. However, in beach resorts, nightlife venues, or tourist-heavy areas, the tolerance for PDA tends to be higher.
Cultural Differences & Social Expectations:
Social Dynamics & Respect for Tradition:
Modesty & Social Image: Vietnamese culture values modesty, humility, and maintaining a respectful social image, known as “giữ thể diện.” This means that overt public displays of intimacy can be perceived as disrespectful or an attempt to show off, which is generally not well received.
Balancing Modern Influences & Traditional Values: The younger generation, especially those living in larger cities or exposed to Western influences, may feel more comfortable expressing affection in public. However, many Vietnamese still prefer to keep romantic displays private, reflecting a balance between adopting modern dating practices and honoring traditional customs.
Gender Dynamics & Family Observations:
PDA & Women’s Modesty: There is often a higher expectation for women to maintain modesty in their behavior and public image. Excessive PDA might lead to judgments or gossip about a woman’s character, so being mindful of these gender expectations is important to maintain cultural respect.
Family & Social Circles: If you’re meeting your partner’s family or social circle, be especially careful to avoid PDA. Public displays of affection could be seen as disrespectful to elders or might affect how your partner’s family views you.
Tips for Navigating PDA in Vietnam:
Observe & Take Social Cues from Locals:
Adapt Based on Surroundings: Pay attention to how other couples behave in the area you're in. If most are keeping distance or sticking to hand-holding only, it’s best to do the same. A simple rule is to mirror the behavior you observe in local couples.
Discretion & Contextual Awareness: Choose the setting wisely for any affection. A walk in a busy street or temple grounds calls for subtlety, while private moments in less crowded parks or cafes may be more relaxed.
Considerations for Foreigners (“Người Nước Ngoài”):
Adjusting to Perceptions of Foreigners: As a foreigner in Vietnam (referred to as “người nước ngoài”), your actions may be under extra scrutiny. Local people may be more accepting of PDA from tourists in tourist hotspots, but being overly affectionate in public could still be seen as culturally insensitive.
Balancing Cultural Sensitivity & Relationship Dynamics: Show cultural sensitivity by being aware of your partner's comfort level and preferences for PDA. What may be acceptable to you might not align with their cultural upbringing or social expectations.
Dating Multiple People
Cultural Views on Casual Dating & Multiple Partners: In Vietnam, dating practices are generally rooted in traditional values that emphasize commitment, loyalty, and long-term partnership. While some younger Vietnamese are adopting more modern dating approaches, particularly in cities, the overall cultural perspective leans toward exclusivity in relationships.
Traditional Norms vs. Modern Dating Views:
Serious Intent & Exclusivity: Traditionally, dating in Vietnam is often seen as the pathway to a serious relationship or marriage, and dating multiple people simultaneously may be viewed negatively. Exclusivity is generally expected unless both partners clearly agree otherwise.
Urban vs. Rural Differences: In larger cities like Hanoi or Ho Chi Minh City (Saigon), casual dating and exploring multiple connections have become more common, particularly among younger people exposed to Western influences. However, in rural areas, dating is typically seen as a more private and serious matter, with the expectation of loyalty and long-term commitment.
Managing Expectations & Communication:
Clear Communication Is Key: If you intend to date multiple people or maintain a casual approach, it's crucial to be upfront about your intentions. Many Vietnamese may assume dating implies exclusivity, so honest and clear communication early on can help avoid misunderstandings and potential hurt feelings.
Sensitivity to Family Expectations: In Vietnamese culture, family plays a major role in a person’s dating life. If you’re dating multiple people, it's best to refrain from meeting a partner's family until the relationship is more defined, as family introductions are usually seen as a serious step.
Balancing Cultural Differences & Navigating Sensitivities:
Respecting Social Harmony & Modesty:
Value of “Giữ Thể Diện” (Saving Face): Vietnamese culture highly values the concept of “giữ thể diện” or saving face, which involves maintaining social harmony and dignity. Discreet and respectful behavior is important if you’re dating multiple people, as flaunting such relationships can be seen as disrespectful or inappropriate.
Approach Relationships with Caution: Given the cultural emphasis on modesty, dating multiple partners at the same time should be done carefully and discreetly. Avoid sharing too many details about your dating life, and respect the social norms that prioritize privacy.
Gender Expectations & Dating Dynamics:
Differing Expectations for Men & Women: There may be a double standard in how casual dating is perceived. Men are sometimes more socially accepted when dating multiple partners, while women might face more scrutiny or judgment for doing the same. This means women who are casually dating might keep their relationships more private to avoid social stigma.
Navigating Perceptions as a Foreigner (“Người Nước Ngoài”): Foreigners might be seen as more open to casual dating and may be given some leeway in terms of cultural norms. However, you should still be aware of the social and family expectations that might influence how your Vietnamese partner views dating multiple people.
Best Practices for Casual Dating in Vietnam:
Being Honest & Respectful:
Clearly Express Your Intentions: Whether you’re looking for a casual relationship, dating around, or exploring multiple connections, make sure to clearly communicate this from the start. Respect your partner's cultural background and their potential desire for exclusivity.
Adapting to Your Partner’s Comfort Level: Take into account the level of openness your partner is comfortable with. If they prefer more privacy or are not comfortable with non-exclusivity, it's important to respect their boundaries and make decisions that are considerate of their cultural norms.
Discretion & Cultural Awareness:
Maintain Discreet & Low-Key Behavior: Vietnamese communities can be close-knit, and word spreads quickly, so keeping your dating life private is wise. This can help avoid misunderstandings, jealousy, or social discomfort for all parties involved.
Be Sensitive to Social Situations & Gender Norms: Be aware of how your actions might be perceived in different settings. A discreet approach to casual dating is especially important in traditional or family-oriented settings, where the expectation of commitment is high.
Meeting the Family
The Cultural Significance of Family Introductions: In Vietnam, introducing a romantic partner to the family is a momentous and often serious step in the relationship. This meeting usually signals a deeper commitment and intent to take the relationship to the next level, as family plays a significant role in a Vietnamese person's life.
What It Means to Meet the Family:
Serious Intent & Long-Term Commitment: Introducing a partner to the family often means that the relationship is viewed as heading toward long-term commitment or marriage. It's generally not a casual occurrence, and you should approach it as a sign that your partner is considering a future with you.
Seeking Family Approval: In Vietnam, the family's opinion carries great weight, and gaining their approval is crucial. The family will likely evaluate your character, respect for Vietnamese customs, and your compatibility with their son or daughter. A good relationship with the family is considered a strong foundation for the couple's future.
Expectations & Traditions When Meeting the Family:
Bringing Gifts & Showing Gratitude: When meeting your partner’s family for the first time, bringing a small gift (quà ra mắt) is a traditional gesture of goodwill and respect. Consider fruits, sweets, tea, or a specialty from your hometown as appropriate options. This thoughtful gesture shows respect and appreciation for their hospitality.
Proper Greetings & Polite Address: Vietnamese culture places a high value on politeness and formality. When greeting elders, a slight bow or a respectful handshake is appropriate, and addressing family members by their familial titles (e.g., "bác" for aunt/uncle, "cô" for older woman) rather than their first names demonstrates respect.
Navigating Traditions, Behaviors & Family Dynamics:
Understanding Family Structure & Hierarchical Dynamics:
Respect for Elders & Family Members: Elders are held in high regard in Vietnamese culture, so it's important to listen attentively to them, show respect, and avoid disagreeing openly. Actively participate in family conversations, express interest in learning about their traditions, and ask polite questions about their lives and culture.
Involvement in Family Activities: Be prepared to spend time engaging in family activities, whether it's sharing a meal, celebrating a holiday, or simply chatting at home. Vietnamese families often enjoy bonding together, and taking part in these activities demonstrates genuine interest in the family and culture.
Dining Etiquette & Hospitality:
Respecting Meal Traditions & Table Manners: If invited to a family meal, follow Vietnamese customs, such as waiting for the eldest person to start eating before you do and offering food to others as a sign of respect. Meals are often shared family-style, so taking a small portion at a time and leaving enough for others is considered polite.
Politeness & Modesty in Conversations: Keep conversations light, modest, and positive. Topics such as family, food, culture, and traditions are safe and often welcome. Avoid controversial subjects, like politics or religion, during your initial meetings.
Building Positive Family Relationships & Gaining Approval:
Being Humble & Adaptable:
Display Humility & Respect: Being humble, respectful, and open-minded is key to making a good impression. If you don’t know certain customs, observe and learn, or ask your partner to guide you. Showing respect for Vietnamese values and expressing your willingness to adapt to their culture will go a long way in building trust and rapport.
Dress Appropriately for the Occasion: For family meetings, dressing modestly and neatly is important to show respect. Men should wear collared shirts and pants, while women might opt for dresses, skirts, or blouses that are elegant but not overly revealing.
Navigating Social Interactions & Family Involvement:
Approach Conversations with Warmth & Curiosity: Engage with family members with a friendly smile, open body language, and interest in their lives. Ask about family traditions, local customs, and their experiences, showing that you value their culture and perspective.
Understand the Role of Family in Your Relationship: Recognize that family approval is often essential for the progression of the relationship. Be patient as trust and familiarity grow, and demonstrate your good intentions, care for your partner, and understanding of cultural nuances over time.